You may want to take this with a grain of salt since I haven’t been into reading fiction for over 40 years.
I think the story has a lot of potential. However at the start it sounded like you were trying to describe death or Satan. It all sounded a bit too hyperbolic. And for that reason I couldn’t connect with that part of the story.
As far as the protagonist, I need to have some reason to care about what he cares about, to live for what he lives for.
I’m not sure how much of this is good advice for the short story.
I have the feeling that the reader needs to come away from a short story with the feeling that he’s encountered something unique and memorable. Not just in the creation of the characters. But maybe an idea that you keep thinking about.
I may be asking way too much. This may be something that only the most experienced writers have been able to achieve.
So 40K has nothing to do with Satan or anything like that. In fact The Emperor tried to do away with religion before the humans turned him into a god 😂.
I feel that the short story needs to truly stand alone if it is really a short story. Which means any information that you give needs to be understood or explained. Short stories generally are not part of a bigger story in the sense that you’re not going to make a book or series from it.
Otherwise it should be explained as being an introductory into a world your introducing to the reader, rather than being referred to as a short story.
The problem was that Lorgar was super religious which The Emperor was trying to do away with. It was inevitable that Lorgar would look elsewhere, especially with who he had around him.
While reading through your prose, I have only a few critiques. Minor things like word repetitions or the overuse of "now" and "again," the "started doing something" form, but those are things I and others did in the beginning. The key to improvement is doing! Keep writing and you will notice constant skill growth. I won't be advising you on the advantages of research since W40K is your favorite universe, and you, well versed in its nuances. Plotting your characters, their interactions and growth, having a good setup that will translate to a cool payoff in the end is what all of us storytellers are constantly striving to perfect.
Thanks so much. Im reading back and I can see all the “now’s” popping out at me 😂😂.
I did choose the 40K just because I’m a fan. I’m comfortable in the universe rather than creating something new.
Maybe I’ll use the same squad in the future. I was just going to write a new short story somewhere eise in the 40K universes with different characters etc.
the only thing I promised myself was to not use named characters as the main character in any story I write (maybe in passing you know?)
When you read the 1st chapter of Mage, you will see that I also used a number of "nows" and "agains". We all start with little, and if we keep working, end with much... but never all. That's why I told you not to worry and keep writing :) https://theblackknight.substack.com/p/a-mandate-of-sword-and-railgun-292
One of my teachers always said to "write about what you know best" and she is correct :D By named characters you mean one of the W40K main characters? If that is a yes, then I agree. Much better when you write your own, and easy to grow them too, without being constricted by already established character lore.
I think listening to this while reading what you wrote enhanced my experience https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcgaMnlwADU&t=5788s
I’ve yet to play Rogue Trader but I want to!!
I am listening while I work on my new book.
You may want to take this with a grain of salt since I haven’t been into reading fiction for over 40 years.
I think the story has a lot of potential. However at the start it sounded like you were trying to describe death or Satan. It all sounded a bit too hyperbolic. And for that reason I couldn’t connect with that part of the story.
As far as the protagonist, I need to have some reason to care about what he cares about, to live for what he lives for.
I’m not sure how much of this is good advice for the short story.
I have the feeling that the reader needs to come away from a short story with the feeling that he’s encountered something unique and memorable. Not just in the creation of the characters. But maybe an idea that you keep thinking about.
I may be asking way too much. This may be something that only the most experienced writers have been able to achieve.
So 40K has nothing to do with Satan or anything like that. In fact The Emperor tried to do away with religion before the humans turned him into a god 😂.
But other than that thank you for your input.
I feel that the short story needs to truly stand alone if it is really a short story. Which means any information that you give needs to be understood or explained. Short stories generally are not part of a bigger story in the sense that you’re not going to make a book or series from it.
Otherwise it should be explained as being an introductory into a world your introducing to the reader, rather than being referred to as a short story.
The problem was that Lorgar was super religious which The Emperor was trying to do away with. It was inevitable that Lorgar would look elsewhere, especially with who he had around him.
While reading through your prose, I have only a few critiques. Minor things like word repetitions or the overuse of "now" and "again," the "started doing something" form, but those are things I and others did in the beginning. The key to improvement is doing! Keep writing and you will notice constant skill growth. I won't be advising you on the advantages of research since W40K is your favorite universe, and you, well versed in its nuances. Plotting your characters, their interactions and growth, having a good setup that will translate to a cool payoff in the end is what all of us storytellers are constantly striving to perfect.
Thanks so much. Im reading back and I can see all the “now’s” popping out at me 😂😂.
I did choose the 40K just because I’m a fan. I’m comfortable in the universe rather than creating something new.
Maybe I’ll use the same squad in the future. I was just going to write a new short story somewhere eise in the 40K universes with different characters etc.
the only thing I promised myself was to not use named characters as the main character in any story I write (maybe in passing you know?)
When you read the 1st chapter of Mage, you will see that I also used a number of "nows" and "agains". We all start with little, and if we keep working, end with much... but never all. That's why I told you not to worry and keep writing :) https://theblackknight.substack.com/p/a-mandate-of-sword-and-railgun-292
I’ll give this a read later!!
One of my teachers always said to "write about what you know best" and she is correct :D By named characters you mean one of the W40K main characters? If that is a yes, then I agree. Much better when you write your own, and easy to grow them too, without being constricted by already established character lore.
Yeah that’s exactly what I mean. Like I wouldn’t used Roboute Guilliman except in passing maybe.
I think my teachers used to say that but it’s been over 20 years since I was in school 😂
Another fellow author I really value the advice of told me to not be afraid of exposition, just make sure to balance it.
Thank you very much. I just listened to it as I didn’t know you could ahd it was saying S G T instead if the abbreviated term for sergeant 😂.